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neurodivergentie onbegrip communicatie neurodiversiteit
Bridging the Gap Between Different Brains
Karolien Koolhof •
We often think talking is simple. I say something, you hear it, and you understand exactly what I mean. We assume our brains work like a video camera: they record precisely what happens. But scientists now know this is incorrect. Your head isn't a camera recording; it’s a projector playing images. We don’t see the world as it is, but as we are.
To understand why communication often fails, we first have to understand why we don’t understand each other. One of the most important discoveries about our brain comes from researcher Karl Friston. He suggests something quite funny: our brain is lazy. It doesn't want to figure out what’s happening every single second. Instead, it constantly makes predictions. It’s a gambling machine. Based on your past experiences, your upbringing, and your biological makeup, your brain bets on what is about to happen.
Imagine I send you a very short email without emojis. Has your brain learned that "short" means someone is angry? Then you’ll be startled. Has your brain learned that "short" means someone is efficient? Then you’ll be happy. The email is identical, but the image in our heads is totally different. We all look through our own tinted glasses and the tricky part is, we often don't even realize we’re wearing them. We think our version is the truth.
Two Languages
This becomes even more complex when we look at neurodiversity, such as autism, ADHD, or dyslexia. These brains work slightly differently than the average brain. In the past, people often thought: "If someone with autism doesn't understand me, there must be something wrong with their social skills."
Sociologist Damian Milton debunked this idea with the double empathy problem. It means that communication is never a one-way street. Compare it to computers: if you send a file from a Mac to a Windows PC, the formatting sometimes breaks. Is that the Mac’s fault? Or Windows? Neither. They simply speak different languages. Their "operating systems" are not aligned.
Collisions and Creativity
You might think, "What a hassle. If only everyone were the same, we’d never have conflict." That sounds peaceful, but it’s disastrous for success. Scientist Scott Page found that teams who "think the same" often make dumber mistakes. If everyone in the meeting room agrees immediately, you’re missing something. You need people who see things differently.
You need the chaotic creative and the stickler for detail. You need the fast thinker and the deep thinker. Yes, that causes friction. It causes irritation and maybe even arguments. But that friction creates shine. The moment you think, "Why is my colleague acting so strange?", you are on the verge of learning something you could never have come up with yourself.
"How does it work for you?"
What can we do with this on a Monday morning? It starts with admitting we don't always know. I often fall into the trap of thinking my logic is the only logic. When someone disagrees, it feels uncomfortable.
The trick is to turn that irritation into a question. Instead of judging ("They don't get it"), try thinking: "What glasses are they wearing? What do they see that I don't?" In professional terms, this is called psychological safety: it must be safe to be different and to think differently.
Working Together
Will we ever understand each other 100%? Probably not. Our "glasses" are too different. But we don't have to. The goal isn't for us all to become the same; it's to understand that we are different. It's about how to let all those different brains work together without driving each other crazy—provided we are willing to take off our own glasses occasionally, or at least try on a new pair.
About the author
- Karolien Koolhof is a coach voor introverts and gifted individuals
- Author of the book Introvert Leadership
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