Previous
“I just want to feel more in control at work.”
“I wish I could know for sure that things will turn out okay.”
“I don’t want to keep getting caught off guard by unexpected stuff.”
As a coach, I hear things like this all the time. Many of my clients long for control—over their lives, their work, their thoughts, and their emotions. Because control gives us a sense of safety. And if you’re someone who thinks a lot, is sensitive to what’s going on around you, or simply wants to do things well, that desire for control is completely understandable.
But no matter how much we want it: total control doesn’t exist. It’s an illusion.
Why We Crave Control
The idea that we have influence over what happens gives us peace of mind. If we can plan everything, predict what’s coming, and organize things down to the last detail, it feels like we can avoid nasty surprises. For people who are sensitive to chaos, or who have been through a lot, control can feel like protection.
But life can’t be predicted. Things turn out differently than expected. People respond in surprising ways. Plans fall apart. And even if you’ve prepared everything perfectly, things can still go wrong. That’s not a sign you did something wrong—it’s just how life works.
The Dice
Back in the 1970s, American psychologist Ellen Langer studied what she called the illusion of control. She found that people consistently overestimate how much influence they have in situations that are actually mostly driven by chance. For example, we tend to believe we can roll the dice better if we “focus,” or that we can control the outcome of a job interview by preparing every tiny detail.
And there are plenty more examples like this. We want to feel like we’re in charge. Like if we just try hard enough, everything will turn out fine. But that mindset can actually cause a lot of stress. Because when things do go wrong, it feels like it’s your fault—even though, in reality, there were simply things outside of your control.
Influence
Luckily, letting go of control doesn’t mean you’re powerless. You do have influence over how you respond to what happens. One approach I often use in my coaching is ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). It helps people stop fighting what they can’t change and focus more on living in a way that aligns with what really matters to them.
Here are three simple ideas from ACT that can help:
1. Allow yourself to feel uncomfortable.
It’s totally normal to feel tense or uneasy when something is uncertain. Instead of trying to push that feeling away or fix it, you can practice just letting it be there. That might sound strange, but the less you fight it, the less it gets in your way.
2. Don’t believe everything you think.
Your mind might tell you, “I have to get this under control.” But that’s just a thought—not a fact. You can learn to take your thoughts a little less seriously. One easy exercise is to say out loud: “I notice I’m having the thought that I need to control this.” That one little sentence often makes a big difference.
3. Choose what matters to you.
You might not be able to control what others do, but you can choose how you respond. What do you want to stand for? Do you want to be honest? Kind? Clear? If you let your values guide your actions, life often feels more grounded—even when it’s uncertain.
Letting Go
When you start letting go of the need to control everything, something new opens up. Space. Breath. Trust. You don’t have to grip life like a tight rope. You can learn to move with it, without losing yourself. Not by knowing exactly how everything will go, but by asking yourself, again and again: what matters to me right now?
Do you often feel the urge to keep everything under control? And do you notice that it mostly leaves you feeling tired or uncertain?
I’d love to help you find a different way—one that fits who you are. Feel free to send me a message if you’re curious about how coaching might support you. You’re welcome.