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About the author
- Karolien Koolhof is a coach voor introverts and gifted individuals
- Author of the book Introvert Leadership
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introvert hoogbegaafd pleasen aanpassen
From External Validation to Internal Navigation
Karolien Koolhof •
We live in a world addicted to the mirror. Not the mirror in the bathroom, but the mirror we find in the eyes of others. We are flooded with posts in which people share their deepest doubts or adopt the underdog position. At first glance, this seems brave. But as a coach, I see daily that there is a fine line between authenticity and outsourcing your self-worth.
Especially for the deep thinkers, the observers, and the strategists, that route to happiness and success is a dead end. Because whoever allows their compass to depend on others eventually loses the way to themselves. As far as I am concerned, it is time for a shift: from external validation to internal navigation.
Locus of evaluation
Before we judge the seeking of reassurance, it is important to understand where it comes from. An external locus of evaluation (placing your value outside of yourself) doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. Especially for gifted individuals and introverts, the roots often lie in early childhood and school days.
Many of the people I speak to grew up feeling "different." As a child, you sensed acutely that you weren't quite in step with the group. To belong and feel safe, you developed adaptive behavior. Your antennas were constantly tuned outward: What is expected of me? What must I do or say to be accepted?
Additionally, gifted people are often praised for their achievements, not for their "being." ("What a high grade you got," instead of "How nice that you are here.") Unconsciously, this creates a pattern of conditional self-worth: I am only okay if I perform, or if someone else confirms that I am doing well.
In adult entrepreneurship or leadership, this translates seamlessly to the present. The "grades" of the past have become the "likes" and comments of today. It feels safe to keep seeking that affirmation ("Am I doing well compared to that other person?"), but it keeps you trapped in that old pattern of adaptation.
The Pitfall
When you, as a professional, get stuck in this external locus, your state of mind becomes a yo-yo. Do you get a compliment? Then you feel euphoric. Do you see someone else doing it "better"? Then you feel small and insecure. You are effectively outsourcing your emotional management to your environment.
It might feel good for a moment, that comfort. It is a quick sugar rush for the ego. But just like sugar, it doesn’t actually nourish you. As soon as the silence returns, the hunger for validation returns with it. It makes you dependent on your audience, instead of leading them.
In this context, it is crucial to distinguish between vulnerability and neediness. Neediness (or "sadfishing") actually says: "I feel insecure, please carry this for me for a while." It is an unconscious plea to be saved. It attracts people, but often through a dynamic of pity. You invite the other person to be your therapist.
Powerful vulnerability says: "I find this scary, and yet here I stand." This is leadership. You are not sharing your process to get affirmation, but to inspire others. You have processed your emotions yourself before sharing them.
Normalizing
This brings me to my own role and how I use my channels. You will rarely see me posting to engage in "like-mining" (consciously fishing for compliments to soothe your own insecurity). That is not why I am here. My goal is knowledge sharing and normalization.
When I write about the pitfalls of introversion, the intensity of giftedness, or the struggle with perfectionism, I don’t do it to elicit pity. I share it so that you, as a reader, think: "Phew, finally someone who gets it. So I’m not crazy, I’m just gifted." I want the problems you run into to be normalized. That you find recognition in my words, so you stop judging yourself.
There is a big difference between a post that says: "Look at me struggling" (sender-focused) and a post that says: "Do you struggle with this too? This is how that works in your brain" (receiver-focused). I consciously choose the latter.
Power
True autonomy only arises when you bring that locus inward (internal locus). This doesn't mean becoming arrogant. It means developing a fundamental trust in your own judgment. You know your work is good because you have tested it against your own high standards. And you know you are allowed to doubt, but you don't need an audience to massage that doubt away. You investigate it yourself or with a mentor.
People with a strong internal locus radiate a certain calmness. They don't need to make themselves bigger than they are, but they certainly don't make themselves smaller either. They just are.
It is tempting to go along with the delusions of the day and look at what everyone around you is doing. But comparison is the fastest route to stagnation. You don't need external approval to have the right to exist; you need focus. Focus on your talent and your own path.
Do you feel like you keep slipping back into that pattern of adapting and pleasing? Then don't look for a "rescuer" who will complain along with you, but look for a sparring partner who challenges you to stand on your own two feet again. Because ultimately, you know perfectly well which way you need to go. You just have to dare to see it again.